Podcast

God, I Didn’t Sign Up For This. Sarah Frazer

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Unshakable Hope Podcast, where real life intersects redeeming love. I’m Kelly Hall, and this is where we wrestle through faith questions, such as how do I trust God’s heart when His ways and delays are breaking mine? We’ll hear from people just like you and me, who have experienced God’s faithfulness when life didn’t unfold as they expected.

My prayer is that God would renew our hope in His Word and His love through these conversations.

Hey friends, before we dive in, I just wanted to ask for a quick favor. If you haven’t already, would you take just a moment and subscribe or follow this podcast wherever you listen? I can’t say I understand the algorithms involved, but this simply makes it easier for others to discover this podcast and be encouraged by the message.

Thank you. I really appreciate your help. Today. I am so [00:01:00] glad you’re here for what I believe will be a really encouraging conversation.​

Kelly: My guest today, Sarah Frazer, is no stranger to disillusionment and heartache. She is an author, a Bible study mentor, a wife, and a mother of five.

She’s someone who served in foreign mission fields and she’s written a book that I believe many of us can probably relate to. It’s called, I didn’t sign up for this. And the subtitle is: how to rest in God’s goodness when your story shifts, Sarah, I’m so thankful.

We finally been able to get our schedules to mesh. Welcome to the show.

Sarah: Thank you so much, Kelly, for having me. I love the theme of your podcast and your heart with this message. We were talking before and I think everybody At one point in their life comes to the point where they just feel really disillusioned with the circumstances that they find themselves in, whether by their own choices, but really, I [00:02:00] think the choices of other people or just circumstances of life.

And it’s really important that we have these conversations to remind ourselves of what is true. So I just commend you for having such an honest and open conversations with people about this topic. So I’m honored to be here.

Kelly: Thank you. Oh, Sarah, thank you. Thank you so much. I’d like for you to kick us off by telling us about your beautiful family so we can know who you are a little bit.

Before we dive into other parts of the conversation, but I’m wondering if you can add also something you do that refreshes your soul when you get weary, as I imagine you do sometimes.

Sarah: Oh yes, definitely. So I will explain our family and then I will explain what I do to refresh because when you hear our family, you might think, Oh, that’s a lot.

But my husband and I will have been married for 19 years. This year, we have five [00:03:00] children three are biological and two, we have adopted from China. So we adopted our daughter in.

2017, no, she came home in 2015 and our son came home in 2017. And so, a lot of people ask if they’re related. Yes, they’re brother and sister, but not biologically. So, yes, they are related, but they are not biological. But and they are two different. Very different people as all of each of my children are very unique, but our oldest is 16 and our youngest, he is nine.

Our first daughter, the first child we adopted from China, she’s 11 and she has special needs. And so, I talk a lot about the story of her coming home to us in my book. And We were told that her special needs were very minor, very easy. You know, a little bit of therapy and love, I think was the phrase we were given and she would probably be okay.[00:04:00]

We, we were handed a very different child and in the middle of China, I just remember thinking did they have a mix up or what? And so, her special needs were much more severe. And then we’ve been walking this. It’s special need parenting journey for the past nine years and it’s been a journey and the Lord has taught me a lot about myself and a lot about who he is.

Having children in a wide span of age can be challenging adding special needs. And so that just kind of adds that extra layer and. that’s where the title of the book came from. I remember sitting in China and really just telling God that I signed up for adoption, but I didn’t sign up for this.

And I specifically didn’t want this. I had told God that this wasn’t what I wanted. And I [00:05:00] believe that, you know, He ignored my prayer. And so,

Kelly: So hurtful.

Sarah: I think before this happened, I would have never used these words, but I did feel betrayed by God.

Kelly: Yeah.

Sarah: And I had to wrestle with that. And I think that’s an honest, Feeling that we can take to him. I would have been afraid before this happened in my life to say those words, God, I feel like you betrayed me.

Kelly Yeah.

Sarah: But I think that was a turning point for me to enter in to a deeper intimacy with him.

Kelly: Wow.

Sarah: Yeah. Those are the words when we’re honest that really lead to intimacy.

Kelly: Absolutely. I so agree. And I agree with the struggle of actually voicing that, but that was how I felt too. On the day my oldest daughter was diagnosed, I felt betrayed by God.

And I said, weren’t you paying attention? You know, I just really felt like [00:06:00] God had abandoned us, left us. Turned his back on us. And it was so healing to, and it certainly did lead me into deeper intimacy with the Lord because he spoke to those deepest wounds in my heart and those deepest questions.

Sarah: Yes. And I think that prior to that, I treated God as sort of this far off being that loved me in an intellectual way, but I did not experience that kind of love until I was able to say, this is how I really feel about you. And I distinctly remember in my spirit, feeling him say, that’s okay. I’m big enough to take it.

And immediately my mind went to at that time I had a six, a four and a two year old biologically. Then we adopted a two year old and I remember my six year old is very vocal and he would just tell me what he thought [00:07:00] about everything all the time. I remember when he was a little younger, a toddler, and I wouldn’t let him do something.

And he just said, I just hate you right now. And at the time you’re looking at this little two year old and you’re like. That’s okay. That’s okay. Like I’m an adult. I know what’s best for you. And when I told God that I was felt really betrayed by you, I felt like he was saying as a father, that’s okay. I can take it.

I know what’s best for you. Wow. And To me, that was just, I know it was his spirit because that was not what I was expecting or that was no way I came up with that. So, that was a big turning point when I shifted from trying to feel like I had it all together and I was trusting God and all of that,When inside, I was really angry and really upset with what he had allowed in our family and so, [00:08:00] just voicing that to him was so, and I just want to give anybody permission to say, you can voice that to God. It’s okay. He’s big enough. He’s big enough. Yeah.

Kelly: That’s so freeing. I love that. God also gave you that moment with your two year old to see the truth of your relationship with God.

Sarah: Yeah.

Kelly: Well, I know in all of this, you are so busy and your husband is a physician. That’s right. Yeah. And so what do I refresh? Yeah. How do you refresh?

Sarah: Yes. So, I think I’m gonna answer it two ways. Like there are seasons even during the year or even during my life where I’ve done different things and seasons of the year right now is we have a pool that’s local to our community.

And I love just taking the kids to the pool this year, this is the first year I feel like everybody’s. Like, okay. I can actually close my eyes or lean back and no one’s going to drown or anything, like everybody knows how to [00:09:00] swim. There’s lifeguards. I put my daughter like right in front of me, you know, I’m like, this is the section of the pool you can play in and this is where I’ll be.

And I can just sit back and relax. So refreshing for me to do that. Yeah. That’s awesome. Another thing that I really like in this season is my back porch. And if you know me on Instagram I’ve been sharing a little bit about how much I love just kind of doing a very mild redo of our back porch.

And it’s so peaceful and quiet out there and I can go out there and be by myself. And that to me has been a very nice, refreshing thing. So I’m very much a be by myself to refresh person. I am very much an introvert in a lot of ways.

And so, if I’m by myself, that’s very, that just anywhere. I’m just refreshed.

Kelly: Oh, I love that. I’m an introvert as well. And so both of us are introverts doing extroverting things, right? We do.

Sarah: Yes. I am. I am an occasional extrovert when you know, when time calls for me [00:10:00] to

Kelly: write me too.

And I love speaking to women. And so it doesn’t seem to really mesh with being an introvert, but I do recharge by being alone. Well, you have talked a lot in your book about wrestling and soul healing and even this morning. And I’m so grateful. Because this is what we talk about on this show.

I love being able to hand listeners, real life stories of how to wrestle through those places where your dreams have died and you’ve experienced the truth that the death of any dream brings profound grief, and you’ve got to grieve it. You’ve learned the necessity of grieving. And so I would like for you to talk just a little bit more, if you can, about how God walked you through a deeper process of grieving, initially you discovered Telling God the truth.

You found the freedom to say, I feel like you betrayed me. But how did he take you even deeper? Because as her story unfolds, there was a lot more to grieve.

Sarah: Yeah, with our daughter, I think I’ve had to grieve that [00:11:00] initial sort of what I thought my immediate future would look like bringing her home.

And then I also had to grieve what my own future would look like. when you have young children you’re in the thick of it and you can’t imagine what it would be like to not have them in your home, but you know, that day is coming, right? Eventually, they’re all going to fly away and be on their own.

Kelly: Yeah.

Sarah: And with our daughter, I tell people now, I still don’t know what that will look like for her. Right. Like we work towards independence, but I still don’t know. But I tell you, getting to that point in my own life to say it might never be my, just my husband and I, like that may never happen, was something I had to grieve.

And Realize that I’m not in control of that, whether that happens or not. I can’t predict that. And one of the [00:12:00] ways that really helped me sort of walk through those initial I would say a few months or even that first year was living one day at a time, I had to stop thinking about the future and that, and I am a planner.

I have lists, I will, I have five year goals. I have one year goals. I have 10 year goals. And I had to throw all of that out the window for a season. I had to say. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to come. I don’t know what next week is going to look like. We didn’t know if she would ever talk. We didn’t know if she would ever walk.

We didn’t know if she would ever feed herself. She was very malnourished. She was very weak. And it was almost like being handed a newborn. And so that just, I was just in the very deep throes of grief. And so I started just saying, what do I need for [00:13:00] today? Well, let’s just focus on today. What do my other children need?

What does she need? What do I need for today? Another thing that I did was I kept reading my Bible and I didn’t want to. The desire was not there. In fact, I probably had more of a desire not to read it because I felt so hurt and it wasn’t bringing the comfort that it would normally bring me. And so I began reading and I tell you, why I kept reading was because, I had about a few years before that I had started my Bible study in my home with some friends. And there’s about four or five of them and we would meet every other Thursday and they, we continue to meet through this whole year. I was able to open up to them. I was able to receive encouragement, but also I was leading it.

So I had to do the Bible lessons. We were going for different Bible studies. And so [00:14:00] I had to read my lesson. I had to do the homework. I had to prepare how I was going to lead the discussion. And so, it forced me to read the Bible in spite of my feelings.

Wow. And I think that was so powerful. I felt like a hypocrite. I will admit I felt like a hypocrite because I wasn’t feeling anything and I was actually really like not getting much out of it emotionally. But I read a book once and they were talking about depression and the author was saying, you know, you do these things, pray, go to church, read your Bible.

Even though you don’t feel like doing it, even he goes in, it’s not being hypocritical. It’s actually building those faith muscles and you might not see those instant results, but it will build and build and build. And it’s actually the brave thing to do. It is the [00:15:00] courageous thing to do.

Yeah. And it is the thing that actually God is going to use in your life. So he does not look at us and say, well, you don’t really have the right heart attitude to be reading the Bible today. Well, you know what? That’s why I’m reading it because I don’t have the right heart attitude. So, so he’s not sitting up there as a judge on heaven’s throne saying, Oh, you need to get yourself together before you come to me.

No, he says, Hey, you’re weary. You’re weak. That’s who needs to come to me. So that was so freeing for me to realize that I did not need to judge myself on my feelings.

Kelly: Yeah. I, I got to tell you, I’m sorry, I interrupted you. Go ahead. I got to tell you that I remember saying the most courageous people I know are those who continue to press in and lean into God, even when they don’t feel like it, because they’re living the truth that God’s word is true, even when they’re not seeing evidence in their life, but they know in their heart, it’s true. And [00:16:00] so that’s a faith hero to me. That’s what it looks like. You’re leaning in and pressing in. You are right. It takes a lot of courage to keep doing that when you’re not feeling it.

And also the thing I love about your story is that I’ve heard from so many people. And I’m one of them, who has been encouraged when they hear words coming out of their mouth, you know, like they’re being encouraged by the truth. They’re speaking to other people and they. They wouldn’t have spoken it had they not been in this group of people or been in this situation.

So I, I love the way God encouraged you during that time.

Sarah: Yeah. And all of that. And that’s why I look back and I see I had the habit of reading my Bible. I had decided back when my Two oldest boys were really little. I just, I need to read the Bible every day. Like it was a necessity. I was longing for it.

I had that deep longing for it. And so I got in such a habit of reading it every day that when I didn’t want to, it was still. Like just a habit [00:17:00] in my brain to do and then to, so God planted that before, you know, before I faced the suffering, then he planted me to start this Bible study two or three years before this.

So he knew ahead of time what was going to happen and he placed those things in my path. When that became a realization in my life that God actually has orchestrated a lifeline in the middle of what felt like me drowning to be already there waiting for me was so powerful because that feeling of abandonment or betrayal, it just kind of got washed away because I realized, Oh wait, You knew this was going to happen and you orchestrated.

So I would not go under the waves. And I just see that as God’s [00:18:00] incredible goodness. And that’s why, that’s what I talk about in the book a lot is just God’s goodness is the answer to our suffering and looking for those things that we can say in our life. This is good. And this is from God.

Kelly: That’s so powerful. That’s a great comfort to me as well. That the Lord himself goes before us and he never leaves us or forsakes us. So we don’t have to be afraid or discouraged. it was helpful for me to see my life in this eternal timeline kind of space and know God lives outside of that.

Because as I looked back, I could see as you saw how he prepared me for what was going to happen and how he prepared the way every Step of the way along the journey. Yes. Yes. We saw his goodness. He

Sarah: does. Yes. And one of the things that I’ve seen even more recently is because , I feel like I’m still living the message. I’m [00:19:00] still walking this journey and a little bit of more about our story is my husband and I served as missionaries for two and a half years in Central America, but we moved in January of 2020.

And so if you remember January of 2020, no one knew what was coming. There was rumors of something, but that wasn’t going to affect us. Right. And so, you know, we were there two and a half months and the entire country shut down, our ministry, shut down, everything. We were in our house for about six to nine months and the restrictions, they were pretty, pretty severe it was interesting because I felt so much similarities to how it felt to bring our daughter home.

That sort of like, , we signed up for this, but we didn’t sign up for this part of it, you know? And that’s how we felt moving down. We’re like, Hey, we signed up to serve you on the mission field, but we didn’t really sign up for a worldwide pandemic.

You know, I questioned, , God, why [00:20:00] did we move in January? Why couldn’t we have spent it back in the States? We weren’t being useful there. Like, what was the point of us being down there if we’re not being useful, if we’re not even attending church, it was such a good reminder to look back on our daughter’s adoption and that whole process, because it had been five years at that point.

And we just realized God’s got a plan, like he’s got a plan. And I felt like if we hadn’t had what happened with our daughter. We would have handled that so differently. We would have struggled with similar things of God. Where are you? What are you doing? All of these things. And then the Lord, I guess I don’t learn my lessons or I need like repeat lessons or something.

So then the Lord removed us from the mission field very unexpectedly and in a very hurtful way.

Kelly: So sorry.

Sarah: After two and a half years, we found ourselves, without any money without [00:21:00] a job, without a home, we ended up living with my parents for four months and we were just devastated. If I felt like with my daughter that a dream died, it was you know, the dream for her and the dream for me and that sort of thing.

But. The dream to be a missionary was something that we had talked about since before we were even married. And so this was a dream that we had been working towards for years and years. We had sold everything . And when we came back because of the way it was handled, we had to leave about three fourths of everything that we owned.

Kelly: Wow.

Sarah: We had 24 suitcases or bags or boxes or whatever. And that was our life. And I just remember feeling all those feelings again of God, are you still there? Like, did you look [00:22:00] away? Did you just kind of abandon us , and we didn’t do, it was just the organization and it would have been inevitable.

And we see now it would have been inevitable any way, but just the shock of it was just so jarring. And then this just dealing with the death of that dream is actually been one of the hardest things my husband and I have ever walked through. And that was, it’ll be two years this next month and it’s still is something that we’re processing.

And we’re still healing from that and we do not know what our future is. We do not know where God is going to lead us. When we came back, we didn’t have a plan B and we still don’t really have a plan A or B at this point. I told my husband, instead of taking one day at a time, we’re just taking it one year at a time.

We’re Like, okay, this is what we’ll do for a year. [00:23:00] And that has been an immensely strange process for me to kind of live out this death of a dream. Yeah, yeah, like on a bigger scale, but also relinquishing those plans. That really has been something the Lord has really been teaching me lately is that he has a plan, and it’s good and I can trust it, but I might not. See it or know it at this point. And that’s really hard.

Kelly: Absolutely. Wow. I can so relate the stories you’re telling about these deep surrenders. Those are intense and they require so much healing.

Those are great losses. With layers and layers of complexity. And so I completely understand why you are still processing that with your husband and having to sort that out with the Lord, but one of the things that is so apparent as you tell your story is that the List Maker has [00:24:00] become a Risk-Taker.

You are now placing your life in the hands of God when you don’t know what’s around the next corner and it’s really beautiful to hear Sarah.

Sarah: Well, and it’s funny that you would say it’s risky because as a planner person, it does feel risky. Yeah, it feels very vulnerable. Yes. But because of these other things that God has , like he’s already walked with us through these other things.

I can say who better to place my hope and faith in my future in, then the God who is in complete control and also is a hundred percent. Always good. Yeah. And I just always go back to the circumstances may not be good, like flat out not good circumstances, but God himself and his [00:25:00] character, that doesn’t change.

Kelly: Never changes.

Sarah: And that is a comforting thing. When I feel myself and I don’t always say it. I just have this confident feeling in the future, all that. I don’t wake up every morning feeling that, but on the mornings that I feel anxious or I feel worried or I feel like we need to have a plan or something like that.

Just going to scripture and saying, okay, what do I know to be true?

Yes.

What do I know to be true? And and what I go back to is his goodness. And so, That, that is such a comfort to me.

Kelly: Such a comfort. It’s so deep. It’s so meaningful. And so now you’re taking God at his word. Yes. Let’s just play this out.

The list maker became a risk taker who now takes God at his word and you’re living in a deeper place of surrender.

Sarah: And I want to encourage people who might not be this far in their journey. Maybe they’re more in the part where it’s just really Difficult to [00:26:00] trust because you feel that like, well, I trusted God and this is what happened.

I want to encourage you that this is a journey that you don’t arrive at. This is something that you might wrestle with your whole life.

Kelly: Yeah,

Sarah: and it’s okay. No matter what part of that journey that you’re in and it’s okay that you might have some good days, like I said, and some not so good days where you do kind of have those doubts.

And so. Don’t feel like you have to arrive at a certain point. I don’t feel like I’ve arrived at a point and I don’t have to worry about this anymore. And no, this is a daily thing. And everything you said is true. And I do take God at his word, but it’s a choice I make. On a very daily basis,

Kelly: and sometimes an hour by hour basis. I mean, we understand. I think that came across as you explain your story. I want to get to this beautiful [00:27:00] way you describe fear. So I think it’s fun. How the creative ways that God helps people walk. Out there faith when they’re afraid, but you write something that I just thought it was a beautiful connection.

You make you say you used to believe that faith replaced fear, but you discovered and this is what you write faith and fear can stand side by side. Faith can hold fears hand and tell her. It’ll be okay. God is in the middle of our fears with the faith we need to stay afloat. That’s so meaningful. I love how you composed that and described what was going on in your heart.

Sarah: What’s so interesting is I always thought doubt was the opposite of faith, but the Bible says that fear is actually what we feel when we don’t have faith. And so, I imagine two girls standing on the side of a pool and just holding hands [00:28:00] and one of them is really afraid and the other one is super brave.

And they’re the same person like I feel that I feel like I’m both of those people and they’re holding hands and they’ll say we’ll jump into this hard situation and we’ll be okay.

Wow. And

I, what really helped me with that was something really, Tangible and simple. When we first brought our daughter home, my mother bought me a little plaque and it said, I’m going to choose to have courage every day.

I sat that above my sink where I washed my dishes and I read that every day. And I said, okay, I’m going to be courageous today. Like I’m going to have faith. And I think that’s where our courage comes from, not something we muster up, having our faith. It was okay. If I felt afraid, I gave myself permission to [00:29:00] be really afraid.

What was my future going to be like? What was it going to be like with my daughter? Did she have a disease that would eventually, you know, be so degenerative that she would just lay in bed or would she have this or that? And I said, it’s okay to feel those feelings. But, I’m going to let Faith Jump in first, and I’m going to let faith take over and say, we can do today.

And I think that reminder of just having courage daily was just something super tangible for me to look at and read that really helped me in that season.

Kelly: Yeah, that’s really helpful. I love that image that you have the two little girls standing beside the pool, but they’re both you. Yeah, so good.

Well, I also really liked the way you paralleled your story with Moses as you unfolded everything. And I have felt that a lot of my story parallels parts of Moses to especially the 40 [00:30:00] years in the wilderness. So like, really, I feel like I’m on the shelf hidden and life has been interrupted, but really that’s not what was happening.

There were beautiful ways God was ministering to Moses in those 40 years before he called him at the age of 80. To go deliver the Israelites. And so it’s an interesting perspective about a timeline that really helps comfort me. So I would love for you just to talk about how that story ministers to you and how it, I think specifically in your book, you talked about how it helped you with feelings of insignificance, but you can talk about it in any way you want.

 

Sarah: I always sort of connect that idea of the wilderness to those seasons in our life where we feel forgotten or the seasons in our life where we’re suffering and maybe people aren’t aware or if they are, it’s not right in their face.

What for me with my daughter, I think what was hard [00:31:00] is people would comment on how much progress she was making and it would be like, Wow, this, aren’t you so excited about this progress and this progress. But during that time, I really struggled with that. She hadn’t caught up.

Like, I really was hoping that she would be that normal and when it became more and more normal, Obvious that she would never fit those normal milestones. I really was discouraged and that felt like it was a hidden suffering because I didn’t want to tell people. When everyone else was saying she’s making progress and she’s doing so great and there and I was thinking This isn’t really you know Where I thought I would be or where she would be and I’m really discouraged about this and it felt like a wilderness And then I also, after my second born four months after my grandmother passed away and I was very close to her [00:32:00] and I was already postpartum.

And then I went into deep depression and I told no one, I mean, my husband was the only one who knew. And I struggled for many months and I just put on the face and I went to church and I did my Bible study and all this other stuff. And it was, it felt like this wilderness feeling. And I think that’s a whole other topic when we talk about depression and that stigma and all of that.

But I think that. That felt like a wilderness season for me. And, but it ended up being a season where God drew near and he was my light and my salvation. And I it was then that I started reading my Bible because it was like out of like desperation. I needed that light in my life. And so I look at those wilderness seasons and I see.

What God grew in those [00:33:00] seasons and I liken it like a seed in the ground because we plant a seed and it actually grows drastically in the dark.

Kelly: And I

Sarah: felt like that little seed when I was struggling with depression and anxiety and all of that. And I felt like. What can grow during this season?

And the Lord just gave me that image. My husband’s a huge garden lover plant. He loves all that. I have a horrible green thumb, but he loves gardening. And he told me one day that a thunderstorm actually helps your garden grow because of the electricity. In the air and it enriches the soil and actually thunderstorms are really good for gardens.

And I thought, is that not a metaphor for our life? Those storms that we face are actually enriching the soil where God is going to grow [00:34:00] something. And for a long time, that seed is under the ground and no one sees the growth, right? You don’t see it at all. And when it comes up, it’s really tiny growth.

You know, it doesn’t look like a tomato plant. It doesn’t look like a pepper plant. It’s just one little leaf out of the ground. And that was such a reminder for me that I don’t have to have this flourishing faith all of the time that my, maybe God is growing something in the wilderness season where no one’s watching or in the dark under the soil.

Where one day we’re going to see the fruit of this like this podcast for you, God threw you in that wilderness season, and now you’re able to see the fruit of all of that growth that was happening. underneath of it all. And so I just, that was such an encouragement to me, even just, you know, knowing your story [00:35:00] and hearing your podcast, I just know that that can be true and in everybody’s life.

 

Kelly: Absolutely. That is such a comfort when we’re in those places where we feel hidden, that there’s something beautiful happening. I love that story of the storm and the plant. Yeah.

Sarah: My husband is a chemistry major. And so he was telling me all the chemistry things about it. And I’m like, I just like the spiritual analogy to this. And he laughed at me and, He said, I never connected that. And it was just always a chemistry thing, but it was to me a very spiritual lesson.

Kelly: Yeah. I don’t need all the chemistry, but

Sarah: I don’t need to know how it works. It’s just really neat that it works.

Kelly: Right. Yes.

I’m wondering about impossible situations. Just the fact that when we know nothing is impossible with God, because you and I both, we’ve lived in places where our circumstances tell us this is impossible.

Kelly: You might as well give up, check out, turn around, go back, climb [00:36:00] under your covers and hide. So how do you deal with those moments? What have you learned along the way that anchors you?

Sarah: Definitely. It’s funny. You said you’re a physical therapist and there was a physical therapist that came into our home when we first brought our daughter home to provide services.

I think I was just lamenting the frustration of she’s not where she needs to be and how long before she gets, you know, meets these. it felt like I was standing in front of an immovable rock. ,. I mean, she was having feeding issues and she couldn’t hold her head up and she was barely crawling and all this stuff.

And I just thought this is impossible. Like I have no idea what I’m doing. I wasn’t prepared for this. There’s no book that I can read to help me with this. And so I looked at the therapist and I was probably saying something like that. She said, Hey, what does she need to learn next? She goes, let’s just.

Focus on what’s the next step. [00:37:00] And it was interesting because I really wanted her potty trained. I said, you know, I’d really like her to be potty trained and she goes, okay, to be able to do that, she has to be able to put her pants up and down. And she couldn’t do that at that point.

And so she’s like, let’s work on that. that’ll be our goal. , let’s just take this one little step at a time. And I thought, that’s the key.

Yeah.

Like, that’s the key. Let’s not look at how to move this huge rock and get to where we want to be. Let’s just say I want to sleep at night. , let’s just say, how can I get more rest in my day or how can I feel less anxious or what can I take out of my life that is unnecessary or not necessary right now?

I think we feel really overwhelmed with. With our circumstances, and it just seems impossible and maybe because my husband’s a physician, I’ve been able to listen to him explain how he cares for [00:38:00] patients that have sort of big medical things. And he says, you know, we don’t go in and just perform surgery right away, like we check your heart and we check your lungs and we make sure if that’s not working, we work on that little piece and we work on this little piece.

And then, you know, we might go in and do surgery, but it’s almost like we want the big fix right away. We just want to fix everything and God definitely, I don’t, I think he definitely can do that. I definitely have seen him move mountains and move big rocks out of the way, but I think his regular mode of operation is that sort of slow path forward.

And so just focusing on what. Is the next step that I can take that, like I said, that plays into that just daily choice that we make. And so, that has been an encouragement to me, that therapist, she was, she has no idea what [00:39:00] an encouragement that was to me and how I’ve continued that mindset with my daughter.

All these nine years that we’ve had her. And when the therapist come out and say, okay, what are your goals for this quarter or whatever? I think we need to learn to pour into a cup and I’ve started to do really small things, right? Like we need to be able to write our name. I just keep it really small and keep those goals, just moving slowly forward instead of the big thing.

Kelly: Gosh, that’s a very helpful strategy. Just take it down to a bite sized portion. I love it. Oh, so I wanted to just close with one other question, just as a mama, one mama to another. And for our listeners , I know your daughter is nonverbal and she’s smart and she can hear everything that’s being said and you, but how do you deal with the issue [00:40:00] of her faith as a mama in this season?

Sarah: So this is something that I have really wrestled with the past, maybe two or three years because she she’s starting to understand the Bible and she can answer questions. And about a year ago, I can’t remember if it was a VBS or just a Sunday morning or Wednesday night or something. A leader came up and said she got saved and I felt really guilty.

For being like, okay, that’s nice. I don’t know if she really grasped it or not, but I thought, you know what? I am not going to assume that she doesn’t understand.

Kelly: Yeah.

Sarah: I’m going to assume that she does, and I’m going to look at heart evidence and that fruit that comes from salvation and. And I have to remind myself of this, it might look different than [00:41:00] what we might think of the spirit looks like, but I’m not going to assume I, I just don’t like it when people assume that she doesn’t, that she’s not smart, like that she has some kind of intellectual disability and she really doesn’t.

She’s behind, but she’s not She’s not stuck. And so she is very smart and she understands what people say. And so I thought, if I want other people to treat her that way, I’m going to treat her that way in this idea of faith. And so I talked to her.

And so we’ve talked about sin and we’ve talked about Jesus on the cross and. And so one of the things that I’ve emphasized with her is that God can hear her thoughts. And she’s non verbal, so she can’t pray out loud. She can’t verbalize sort of, prayer. And so I really encouraged her to pray in her head.

And I said, when you [00:42:00] think things in your head when you think sentences or those sort of things, I said, God not only hears you, but he understands you. And I kind of encouraged her to pray to God. To ask, you know, ask forgiveness or ask God to help you in this situation. just like I would.

All my other children and just encourage her that God hears her and understands. And as a mother, I have to trust that actually God sees her whole being and he understands her more than I do.

Kelly: Yeah.

Sarah: And I think that she has faith. I think that it is very childlike and I think that is very simple, but according to the Bible, that’s the kind of faith we need to have.

I pray that the Lord work in her life, but I also have had to [00:43:00] trust that God sees her heart. Absolutely. Yeah. And I trust that he loves her with so much love and I am really just want her to grow in her faith in God and realize that he loves her and he knows her more intimately than any of us could. And so, like I said, that’s my prayer for all my children.

Kelly: God knows how to speak to us in a way we can hear him. That has been one of the greatest comforts of my life because our girls are deaf. And there was a lot about faith that was communicated that they perceived very differently that it was more like rules and legalism rather than lots of grace and love.

That’s God’s heart. God’s heart is one of us love. She’s his kid. And I love that he sees your heart and He knows how to speak to her. I can just imagine the sweet intimate conversations they have in her [00:44:00] mind. Yes.

Sarah: And I believe that physically she’s physically unable to speak and that in heaven Oh gosh.

I’ll hear her voice. And so I hang on to that sort of thought and that hope. Another aspect is the adoption and that’s another layer of processing that I think she hasn’t really like dealt with, but our son, he’s nine and he’s very verbal. He makes up for her. And so he tells us everything and all the time.

And He is starting to process a little bit of the loss that is there. And so what my desire for both of them is that they will run to God and realize that he knows their full history.

Kelly: He

Sarah: sees their birth family. He was [00:45:00] there, you know, because. My two children will listen to me. Tell the story of my three biological the day they were born, right?

We tell those stories.

Kelly: Yeah,

Sarah: and My youngest has picked up that I wasn’t there When he was born like it’s starting to connect in his mind

Kelly: Wow,

Sarah: and I told him he was kind of upset one Day, and I said, you know who was there? I said God was there.

Kelly: Mmm, and

Sarah: when you get to heaven, You can ask him what that day was like.

Kelly: Oh, that’s so sweet.

Sarah: And that to me is what I hope for her that she realizes that God is the piece of her heart that she’s missing. If she feels that missing piece. And so. That is where I pray for the faith of my daughter and

Kelly: Yeah. In those wounded places that she can’t express to you, right, right.

Sarah: Yeah. I pray the Lord fills [00:46:00] those needs and heals her in that way. Yeah.

Kelly: Yeah. And that’s so beautiful.

 

Well, Sarah, before we close, I just want to mention to all our listeners, that we would love for you to connect with Sarah at sarahefrasier. com. She has a lot of resources to help you in reading the Bible and connecting with God’s heart. Also, you can check out her book there, which I highly recommend.

I’ll also put links to all these things in the show notes.

Kelly: Sarah, thank you so much for this time. This conversation was so encouraging and profound.

Sarah: Thank you so much, Kelly. This was such an honor.

And I really appreciate what you’re doing here.

Kelly: Thank you.

If you were encouraged in your faith today, it’d be great if you’d help get the word out by subscribing, sharing with a friend or leaving a review. I’d love to hear from you. You can reach out through my website, kellyhall. org and pick up some free resources while you’re there. Thanks for listening to the Unshakable Hope [00:47:00] Podcast.