Podcast

Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World. Becky Harling

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Unshakable Hope podcast, where real life intersects redeeming love. I’m Kelly Hall, and this is where we wrestle through faith questions such as, how do I trust God’s heart when his ways and delays are breaking mind? We’ll hear from people just like you and me who have experienced God’s faithfulness when life didn’t unfold as they expected my prayers, that God would renew our hope and his word and his love through these conversations.

Kelly: Hey friends, I am truly glad you’re here today. On this podcast. We deal with some tough real life faith questions, but our prayer is always that each listener would be inspired and empowered to connect more deeply and intimately with God, the one who created us, who loves us much more than we can.

Even imagine. Today our podcast deals with obstacles to connection. I [00:01:00] wonder if you’ve ever suffered from the pain of loneliness or if you’ve ever longed to feel more deeply connected to God and to others.

I think most of us can relate to that. You’re gonna enjoy hearing from our guest today, Becky Harling. She’s gonna be sharing from her latest book, cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World. She’s gonna share how we can follow the beautiful examples of Jesus and how he valued people. Becky’s also gonna share how she experienced God’s comfort in a difficult season. And she’s gonna give us insight and how we can connect more deeply to others, avoid comparison traps, forgive others,

How we can love others. Becky has so much wisdom and life experience, I think you’re really gonna enjoy her. She is a gifted international speaker, a sought after leadership and relationship coach, and the author of 16 books.

Kelly: She’s also the host of the Connected Mom podcast, which reaches listeners in over 50 [00:02:00] countries. She’s a frequent guest on radio and TV programs as well as many other podcasts, but honestly, she’s just one of the most authentic followers of Jesus you’ll ever wanna meet.

She brings the hope and joy of Jesus everywhere she goes with her Lovely sense of humor as well. Becky, I know how busy you are. Thank you so much for the gift of your time today.

Becky: Hey, it’s great to be with you, Kelly.

Kelly: You and your husband Steve, have traveled the nation for many years doing ministry. You could spend several podcasts just talking about that alone. Yes. But you, you guys have a big family too, right?

Becky: We, we do. We have. Four adult children who are married and we have 14 grandchildren.

And so we love our family. This, this Sunday, in fact, we’re doing family pictures and it’s, it’s hard to get all 14 grandkids to smile at the same time. So we’ll see how it goes. Yeah.

Kelly: They all live near you, right?

Becky: [00:03:00] They do, 10 of them live within 10 minutes of me and four of ’em live about an hour away.

Kelly: That’s very fun. I just wanna say I’m a little bit jealous.

Becky: That’s, that’s worth being jealous over I love having them here. Yeah.

Kelly: I’d love for you to just explain how you came to write this book. I know that you value relationships so deeply, , but can you kind of give us the backstory to this particular book?

Becky: Yeah, this particular book, you know, I had been thinking about writing about loneliness for a lot of years, and then, you know, during, during 2016 and 2020, my husband and I traveled to 65 different countries and I wrote like, I think five books during that season. And it was just really, it was a beautiful season in that we got to see what God was doing around the world, but it, I felt so.

Disconnected when I got home and I remember saying to Steve, I feel lonely. And he said, he looked at me like, are you nuts? He’s like, we’ve been with thousands of people, how on earth? [00:04:00] But I said, you know, I feel disconnected from the people closest to me because while he and I had been traveling together, we hadn’t really had us time.

You know, we were always focused on the next message or the people we were with or ministering or, you know, all the. Things and I missed my kids, I missed my grandkids, I missed my closest friends. I missed the people who really knew Becky for who Becky is, you know? And, and so it prompted me to take a look at this issue of loneliness and I realized that loneliness is not the absence of people.

It’s feeling disconnected from people.

Kelly: Mm-hmm. That’s so good., I can’t believe you also wrote books during that season of all that traveling. That’s just incredible.

Becky: Well, it was a little nuts actually, but it’s okay. God, God empowered me to do it. But I am not doing all that international [00:05:00] travel now ’cause it’s just, it’s a little taxing on your body after a while, you don’t know what time zone you’re on, so that’s never a good thing.

Kelly: No, no. Well, I thought some of the information you shared about loneliness in this book was really fascinating, especially the statistics from the CDC. Can you talk about that?

Becky: Yeah. So in 2023, right, while I was in the thick of writing this this surgeon General came out with a statement that we are now in an epidemic of loneliness that one in two Americans cannot, they feel significantly lonely every day.

And I think it’s like one in. Three Americans or something like that. I’m trying to remember. The statistics now cannot name even three people that they feel really close to and, and so that really is quite shocking. And the interesting thing about it, Kelly, is that this is not the result of the Covid Pandemic.

The Covid pandemic. Definitely increased our [00:06:00] loneliness, but more than that, it revealed our loneliness and it revealed that God has designed us to need relationships, not just with him but with others. And so when we feel isolated, our loneliness goes off the chart. But really this epidemic of loneliness has been building for, I would say the last probably a hundred years because our.

Culture is changing fast. We’ve introduced the internet. The internet keeps us connected in some ways, but we’ve also, with the internet, introduced social media and that’s not really helping our deepest connection. So it’s just a really complicated situation, and as a culture, we’ve gotten busier, so we’re always in a rush to do the next thing.

Kelly: Yes. And one of the things you mentioned in the book I remember about social media is a study where we, somebody recommended that we should only be on [00:07:00] social, social media 30 minutes a day at the post,

Becky: at the most. Yes. Because when you’re on social media, more than that, when you’re just scrolling your phone, you know?

Yeah. You’re increasing your loneliness according to, I mean, this is not just a Christian principle. This is according to the surgeon general, and part of why we’re in this epidemic of loneliness is because people are just scrolling their phones, you know, they’re walking down the street and they’re always on their phones.

In fact, this is entertaining. But I, I heard on the news several months ago that they’re now having a problem in New York City with injuries because so many people are falling into manholes. ’cause they’re not watching where they’re going. They’re just scrolling their phones. So if you’re just scrolling your phone, you’re not really connecting with people face to face, eye contact.

Listening and understanding each other, and so we’ve lost some of our deepest [00:08:00] necessary people skills.

Kelly: Yeah, that’s just fascinating you, I’m gonna summarize a thought from John Mark comer’s book that was in your book. Yeah. His book is Ruthless Elimination of Worry, but he talked about how business and distractions lead to weak relationships.

That’s what you’re talking about?

Becky: Yes.

Kelly: And a lack of connection to God, which is ultimately at the root of this. Right.

Becky: It, it absolutely is. You know, years ago my husband went and visited oh, I’m trying to remember his name. He worked with Billy Graham and Steve said to him, Hey, what’s the key to more spiritual growth?

And he quoted Dallas Willard was the first one that used that term. Ruthlessly eliminate hurry, because you see, we have gotten so a. Addicted to hurry. And I do believe it’s an addiction that we can’t settle in God’s presence. And, and we have become so distracted that [00:09:00] when we’re with the Lord, you know, we’re tempted to pick up our phone and scroll or we’re, you know, thinking about our shopping list or our to-do list, rather than just enjoying the presence of God and, and really our deepest place of belonging and feeling loved.

Will always be in the presence of God. And so we’ve gotta let go of this distraction, let go of this internal angst of continual hurry so that we can really settle in God’s presence.

Kelly: Mm. That’s so true. We are created by God with this. A innate sense of a need. A need. We have needs. We need to, yes. Come somewhere.

Yes we do. And first and foremost, we have to belong with the Lord. And that’s where it all stems from. So thank you for explaining that.

Becky: Yeah, it’s, you know, it goes right back to the book of Genesis where God said, let us create man in the our image. And [00:10:00] so when you think about the Godhead, God the Father, God, the Son, God, the Holy Spirit, lived in eternal community, and so we’re created in their image, and that means we need community.

We need community, both with God and with others.

Kelly: Hmm. Amen. I’d love to talk about being attentive. You have a whole chapter on being attentive. I do. That is so beautiful. I’d love to read the key verse, Philippians two, three through four. If you don’t mind, out of then. I don’t mind at all. Okay. Because you love God’s word.

I know. All right, so it says, don’t be selfish. Don’t try to impress others. Be humble. Thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interest, but take an interest in others too, so we can have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

You have such a beautiful way of describing this whole concept of being [00:11:00] attentive, . You talk about the fact that distractions create. Disasters. And so yes, you have a funny story and I would love for you to tell this story about a time you were on vacation at the beach.

Becky: Yes, it is the best story ever. So we were on vacation with our kids at the beach in Ocean City, Maryland. And it was during, during the Beanie Baby craze. I don’t know if you’re listeners remember that, you know, but our little girls especially, were all into buying these Beanie Babies and there were these stories stores on the boardwalk called Candy Kitchen, and they sold these Beanie Babies and so.

We were in one, and as our son, he was like 12 or 13 at the time. He was waiting for the girls, you know, to choose their beanie babies. And there was this the store was filled with these large plexiglass containers of candies, and they were all one stacked next to the other and there was [00:12:00] a suction ball cup on one of them.

And JJ was just mindlessly distracted. He was just pulling on this suction ball and all of a sudden the unthinkable happened. It popped and one plexiglass container of candy hit another, hit another, hit another. I mean, Swedish fish went flying. Caramel balls hit the floor. I mean, it was. The most epic candy fall of all times.

It was something out of like domino rally and it was such a disaster. And JJ and I got the giggles. I just couldn’t stop laughing ’cause I had never seen anything so funny. My husband said, can we pay? Can we help you clean up? And the lady was so frazzled. She’s like, just get out, get outta my store and don’t come back.

But it illustrates the point that when you are constantly distracted, it’s gonna create [00:13:00] a disaster. Maybe not a candy fall, but it could create a disaster on the freeway as you’re driving, and it will create distance in your relationships because people want to feel like you’re completely there and attentive to what they’re saying.

Kelly: Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where you’re talking about something really deep you know something important to you, and then they respond in a way that shows they weren’t even listening? It’s so hurtful.

Becky: Yeah, it is. And you know, I think we all are a little guilty of that sometimes.

Yeah. So it’s something we need to watch ourselves, you know, because as the person is talking, we might be thinking about what we’re gonna say next, and instead we need to take our focus to that person and just stay curious about what they’re saying. Yes.

Kelly: I love that. I, I think being curious is one of the most fabulous characteristics we can all cultivate with [00:14:00] the Lord.

I talk about this a lot on the podcast that asking him questions helps open our heart to all that he has for us. But when we are curious with other people. It, it opens up the most fabulous conversations I’ve ever had in my life. When I can say, Kelly, be present. Be present. Stop getting distracted. Listen to what they’re saying.

Becky: Yes, and, and I think it takes training. You know, we have to train our brains to be fully attentive to other people, and part of the reason why we’re not a lot is because we are in a hurry or we’re so distracted by all the information coming at us all the time, you know? But each person is created in the image of God.

And is beautiful and worth knowing. And so when you give somebody your complete attention, it’s not only a gift to them, but it’s a gift to you because they were created to offer something valuable to [00:15:00] you.

Kelly: Yes. Everybodyis a gift. From the Lord. We can learn something from every single person we have conversation with. You said something in that chapter that the average adult attention span is 8.25 seconds, which is about that of a goldfish.

Becky: I know. Isn’t that shocking? You’re like, okay, wait a minute. What in the world What’s happened to us?

Kelly: I know. It’s just awful. You’re right. We have to strengthen our abilities to be fully attentive and we can do that, through prayer and through being curious.

What are some of the ways Jesus valued people.

Becky: I, I love reading through the gospels and just watching the way Jesus valued people’s stories and listened to them. Jesus came with humility, and I think for a lot of us, part of why we’re lonely is because we’ve left humility behind, right?

So when we’re in a conversation, we might be trying to prove ourself or prove our [00:16:00] value to the other person, or we might be. Trying to prove our opinion or our position on something to another person. But what if you came in with humility just to delight in the other person and understand their perspective?

You don’t have to prove anything when you realize how deeply loved you are of God.

Kelly: Hmm, hmm. That is so true. Whenever I start being distracted by the things that I feel like I have to do or the things I need to accomplish, blah, blah, blah, I will go back to Philippians two and read the example of Jesus that we, we had just read the first part of it.

But Jesus, when you consider the fact that Jesus threw off his robes of royalty and he humbled himself and he gave up heaven. He became a man, and not only a man, he became an embryo and allowed himself to grow in the womb of a young girl named Mary that he himself had created

so

Becky: [00:17:00] Yeah. And, you know, he didn’t come in. He really had the right to prove he was right on everything. ’cause he was,

Kelly: yeah.

Becky: But he allowed, you know, he explored conversation with people. He stays curious at, with the woman at the well, asking her questions. He knows her story, but he invites her to share her story.

You know, he, he eats in the home of. People when he, you know, when he is traveling and he doesn’t really have his own home. In fact, scripture tells us the son of man had nowhere to lay his head, so he went from home to home. Well, that’s humbling. And so I, I just love looking at the life of Jesus and saying, Lord, develop this in me.

Let me see people like you did. ’cause Jesus saw everybody as somebody who was valuable.

Kelly: Yes. Whenever we feel entitled, that is a good place to go.

You know what I love so much about Jesus is he allowed himself to be interrupted. [00:18:00] He never had Yes. His own agenda.

Yes. Yes. I mean, when he is on his way to heal Jairus’s daughter. Yes. Which is a big need because Jairus’s daughter is dying., The woman with the issue of blood touches his robe and Jesus stops and turns to her and allows her to pour out her whole story.

And I wonder if, you know, I think most of us, if we were in a rush to get to an urgent appointment, wouldn’t give permission to somebody to pour out their whole story. But that’s the value Jesus placed on people. And I, I just really love that.

Kelly: I love that too. And so I’m so glad you brought that up. I just talked about that last night with our life group, how I know that if I were Jairus and my daughter was dying, I would’ve had a hard time being interrupted by this woman.

But he looked at Jesus and he followed Jesus’ example. He kept his mouth shut and he, this [00:19:00] whole conversation unfold in front of him and just amazes me. I want to be someone who is. Able to be interrupted like Jesus was.

Becky: Yeah. I agree. And I, I think for us to really enjoy deep relationships, deeply connected relationships, we have to have this space in our schedules to do that.

I, you know, one of the stories I tell in the book actually is about my grandmother. I would go in and spend the summers with her, like one week out of every summer and every afternoon at three o’clock. Aunt Isabelle would come over now to this. Day. I have no idea who Aunt Isabelle even is, other than she was my grandmother’s friend, and we all called her Aunt Isabelle.

But every day at three o’clock, my grandmother and Aunt Isabelle would have coffee and coffee cake. And I, I look at that and I think that’s beautiful. Wow. But our present culture, we all have a million appointments and we’ve lost something in [00:20:00] that though because we no longer have. The time and the space for people that we need to have in order for relationships to go deeper.

Kelly: Mm mm That’s so good. I love that example. Another thing I wanted to add in this topic is that Jesus always responded to the deepest needs of people’s hearts. And of course, we don’t know what people are thinking. We don’t know their deepest needs, but when we take time to be attentive. To the Holy Spirit in conversation.

We can be amazed at what God will do through us. Yeah,

Becky: And you know, you may not even know how he’s using you and then you may hear like years later, wow, God really used you in that situation. You spoke the exact word that I needed to hear. Yeah.

Kelly: Well, I’d love to also talk about your chapter on Comforting one another.

Yes, we, you tell, you say, we’re not designed to carry our pain alone, and we have the privilege and invitation to offer comfort to others [00:21:00] and to receive comfort from others.

Becky: Yeah, I think sometimes this can get a little wonky for some of us, because some of us, we wanna offer comfort to others, but we don’t wanna receive it.

You know? We always wanna be the one offering it, but that’s not biblical. You know, when you look at the life of Jesus again, Jesus offered comfort. You know, he goes to Lazarus grave and he knows in a matter of. Seconds. He’s gonna raise Lazarus, but he still cries with Mary and Martha, you know, and scripture tells us that it’s like not just a single tear, but he’s weeping at the tomb of Lazarus.

You know? So he offers comfort in that way. But then if you’ll remember, when he’s in the garden and he’s in. Deep anguish. As he looks towards the cross, he confronts Peter, James and John and is like, guys, couldn’t you really hang with me even for like an hour? [00:22:00] Because Jesus needed comfort. This was the worst time of his life and his best buds were asleep, you know, and, and what Jesus models there for us is really beautiful. I think sometimes people are craving being leaders in a relationship, and so they wanna be the one comforting all the time. And that’s not biblical. You know, we are to comfort and receive comfort. , there’s a, there’s a painting that is called The Pieta, and it’s Mary holding the broken body of Jesus, and it’s such a beautiful.

Picture of what Jesus wants within his body in the body of Christ. Many are broken and we are to hold each other and encourage each other and comfort each other in the journey. We need each other. I.

Kelly: Yeah.

, I love the story too, of the widow of Nain and Jesus. You don’t [00:23:00] see this widow even asking for help.

She’s so broken hearted. She’s lost her husband. She’s just now lost her son, and her son is there, and Jesus walks up to her and says. Don’t cry. so tender Yeah.

Becky: Yeah. And it’s not like he’s scolding her. No, he’s, he’s kind of just saying it’s gonna be okay, you know, and then he raises her son. Yes.

Kelly: I love to imagine that whole entire scene. I love to imagine her joy, her disbelief in seeing her son alive and the tenderness of Jesus who wanted to wipe her tears away. I just, yes, overwhelming. And I know that when we, when our hearts are broken, and you hear so many stories about this, we can look for and expect Christ’s comfort and presence in our deepest sorrow.

You had a moment like that in the hospital, right?

Becky: I, I did. You know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was still pretty young, [00:24:00] 42 maybe, and we were still in the thick of raising kids and I had to go into the hospital for a double complete mastectomy, and my husband Steve, and I had decided that.

After I came out of surgery and I was settled and out of recovery, he would go home and be with the kids because they were terrified. And I just remember, you know, coming outta that surgery, being hooked up to all these machines and just, I. Not wanting him to leave. And somebody had given me this little teddy bear that they were giving out to breast cancer patients at the time, you know, and I just remember I, that teddy bear was like, I don’t know, it was within reaching distance even though my arms were hooked up to machines.

And I just remember when Steve left, I just started to cry ’cause I felt so alone and scared in that hospital. And yet I, I felt like Jesus reminded me of a verse I had learned as a [00:25:00] very little girl. Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you. And right there in that hospital room, I just remember saying, Jesus, thank you that you are here with me, that you will never leave me.

You will never forsake me. Not even. During breast cancer. And, you know, Jesus’s presence was so palpable to me in that hospital room that I was able to go to sleep, you know? Mm-hmm. And I, I think Jesus promises his comfort and he also invites us to comfort others and to receive comfort.

Kelly: One of the things that amazed me so much is how palpable his comfort can be when our hearts are breaking.

We have four children and three of them have special needs. So our oldest daughter is born profoundly deaf and our son has normal hearing. And then our twins are also profoundly deaf and we didn’t find out until they were two weeks old. Wow. So we have these newborn baby twins and our [00:26:00] hearts are breaking because we, they also are deaf.

And I just remember praying specifically on the day I found out that they were deaf. I prayed, God, I’m willing to walk. Through this with you, because I know you’re gonna be with me. But please don’t let it hurt as much as it did the first time when we first found out our oldest daughter was deaf, and it was about six weeks later, we, we were pretty overwhelmed with four kids, age five and under Sure.

But, we started putting our older two kids in bed at six 30 so that we could have a break and we were just playing. Yeah. The twins, one evening my husband and I laying on the floor and they were so little and so identical and adorable and we that we were laughing and , my husband said, don’t you think we should be more depressed?

And I realized then God had answered our prayer, that he had surrounded us with this cushion of comfort that really knew no explanation.

Becky: Yeah. [00:27:00] Yeah. That’s a beautiful story. And it, it reaches my heart because our youngest grandchildren our identical twins. , I think the whole

twin thing is so fascinating.

Yeah. But I’m thankful that God answered your prayer and he can bring us joy. And one of the ways he, he does that is through these deep close relationships. You know, if you’re, I think sometimes when we walk through really hard seasons.

We maybe can isolate and that’s the wrong thing to do. Instead, lean into your community so that you can receive comfort.

Kelly: Hmm. That’s so important. I, I so agree. The temptation when you’re suffering is always, it seems like to isolate. Like, you know, you don’t wanna open up to other people, you don’t wanna be vulnerable, you don’t wanna be judged, , . What are some ways that we can. Comfort somebody who is hurting?

Becky: Yeah, I think the first thing is don’t throw bible verses at them and bear in mind I’m a Bible [00:28:00] teacher.

Yeah. But I you know, when somebody’s just lost their spouse, the last thing they want is for you to say, oh, don’t worry. All things work together for good. To those that love God, I. I mean, that’s just tacky and not very empathic. You know, I think one of the greatest gifts we can give people is understanding their feelings.

You know, offering them empathy. Your feelings make sense to me. It makes perfect sense to me. Why you’re so sad, you know, and, and really being in the sorrow with them. Definitely cry with them, you know, be with them. Offer your presence. Don’t try to. Fix their sorrow. You cannot fix someone else’s sorrow.

It’s not like all of a sudden you’re gonna say the perfect thing and the other person’s gonna be like, oh, now I’m not grieving anymore. I mean, that’s just not practical. A lot of times when people are in deep grief, they can’t even think [00:29:00] of how to ask for your help. So one of the things you can do is definitely drop off a meal or order something to be delivered at their house.

You know, offer to get their groceries for them. Just think in practical terms, you know, send them messages that you’re praying for them. But again, don’t give them some type of spiritual lecture, because remember Jesus said blessed are those who mourn. And so grieving is part of God’s plan for us.

Kelly: Yes. In those places of deep grief, we discovered deeper dimensions of the Lord that than we would’ve ever experienced apart from this deep pain. You mentioned some very practical ways though, to also offer hope, which almost brought tears to my eyes. It was so practical and so sweet things I wouldn’t have even thought of.

Like just going to the grocery store and buying paper products. Okay, I know you. Yes. Paper plates. And paper towels. And I also know you need toilet [00:30:00] paper, so I’m just gonna grab Yes. Carload of that and drop ’em at your door, and I’m gonna bring you your favorite coffee while I’m at it.

Becky: Yeah, because like who feels like doing dishes when they’re grieving something really horrific?

Paper plates are a great idea, and I obviously am a lover of coffee. Everybody that knows me knows that. So, , dropping off a coffee is a great idea. Just be practical, you know.

Kelly: Yeah. Alright, the last chapter I really wanna talk about is one entitled Start Cheering and Stop Comparing.

At the start of this chapter that you had a little conversation with your 11-year-old granddaughter and you Yeah. What is God teaching you? Tell us about that. I know.

Becky: She is remarkable. I have to say that. So I’m sitting there and we’re having like a snack together. I don’t know, she’s having tea, I’m having coffee, and we’re, and I’m like, so Selah, what is God teaching you right now?

You know? And I know she has a deep walk with the Lord, so I know I can ask her that. [00:31:00] And she thinks for a minute. And then she says, you know. Contentment. And I’m like, who are you here? Like 11, and she goes, God is just teaching me to be content with who I am and with the gifts he’s given me and how he’s wired me.

And it was so profound. And here’s the thing about Sayah. She lives that out. She runs. Track for her school. So in the spring she’ll be in a track meet against, you know, five different schools. And what’s remarkable about her is she’ll run her race and when she finishes, she comes off the track and she’s cheering for everybody else, like not just the kids in her school, but other schools as well, you know, and she’s like, go, you’re beating your best time. youre going to make it to the end.

We could learn a lot from Seila because I think something that really hinders our relationships is this whole idea where we get in competition with other [00:32:00] people and we compare ourselves to them, and instead it could be so beautiful if we cheered for them. Yeah.

Kelly: So scrolling on social media, that’s definitely something that starts stirring up that comparison thing.

Becky: Oh my word does it ever? Yeah. So 20 minutes a day. That’s it. Girls turn off your phone and guys, you don’t need it.

Kelly: Yeah. What are some things that we can do in our mind when we start noticing that comparison thing cropping up that envy the jealousy or, , what’s wrong with me? Maybe those thoughts, like, I’m not

Becky: enough.

Yeah. First of all, become a fast confessor. I was in a bookstore several years ago, and I noticed a book on the shelf from an acquaintance of mine, and she had hit the bestseller list and it was her first book. And, you know, immediately I felt a little jealous, like, okay, I. She doesn’t deserve that. She hasn’t been writing as long as me.

And then the Holy Spirit was like let’s talk about this. And I, I felt instant convicted [00:33:00] and so I was like, Lord, I am so sorry. You know? So I confess jealousy has gotten the best of me. I repent of this jealousy and I turn aside, then cultivate gratitude. Lord, I’m so thankful for what you’ve done in the books that I’ve written.

You know, are they New York Times bestsellers? Not yet. I mean, you never know, but I’m thankful that for the people that you’ve reached through them and then cheer for the other person. Now, I didn’t do this in this particular instance, but I have in others where instead of getting jealous. Send the person a card congratulating them.

You did fantastic. You know, it goes back to cheering. But if we do those three things, when we sense envy coming, it’s really gonna help us change our mindset.

Kelly: That’s so good. And even if we are walking through like chronic illness or suffering or all of these kinds of things, like we have kids with special needs.

We have a child who, one daughter who’s an adult who still lives at home because she’s so ill from chronic [00:34:00] Lyme disease and it is easy to even be envious about other people’s stories that where they

Becky: Oh, sure. But the thing about it is, is you know, everybody. Has a different measuring of suffering.

Yeah. That follows Jesus, right? And sometimes we look at other people and we think, okay, my suffering is the worst of anybody’s, and that’s not necessarily true. So we have to just, just say, thank you, Lord, for what you have allowed in my life. And suffering. Definitely cry through it and struggle through it, but keep leaning into the Lord.

Don’t pull back from him. Right, because that’s not gonna help you any and pray for your friends that also maybe have, you know, maybe their kids aren’t suffering like yours is or like mine is, but maybe they have something different going on.

Kelly: That is a really important point. When you realize that other people have hidden sufferings that you know nothing [00:35:00] about. . Yes, so pray for them. Ask God to give you a love for them, an understanding for them, insight into their situation, how you can bring them hope and help and their particular sufferings, and then.

Another phrase that came to mind as I was reading your book was Someone prayed for me once, that when I look back at the long suffering in my life, that I would see the long goodness of God . Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Becky: Yeah. I love that. Kelly and I, I think, you know, the psalm is said. That we are to remember.

And I really believe remembering is part of our worship. And so when you look back and you look at the suffering, remember how God met you in this suffering? And for each of us, we need to remember that. You know, I was just journaling in, in my own journal, you know, and looking back on this last year, some of the hard things, but how God was faithful during that and some of the good things and how God was faithful during that.

But when you look. Back. You’re able to [00:36:00] trace the goodness and the faithfulness of God.

Kelly: Hmm.

, I’m wondering if you have anything you can add about not being offended

Becky: yeah, offense isn’t something. That happens to us. We have to take offense according to scripture. So we have a choice. You know, if somebody cancels a lunch date with us, we have a choice in that moment. Do we offer understanding or do we take offense? ? And the problem with taking offense.

Is it becomes a trap that it’s really Satan’s trap to keep us in feeling sorry for ourselves, but it hinders our relationships. And if we’re gonna have good relationships, we can’t take offense over everything. Instead, we need to offer grace and forgiveness in every relationship. There’s the possibility that you’re gonna be hurt sometime, and that’s okay because it’s an opportunity.

To offer grace.

Kelly: Hmm. [00:37:00] That’s so good. And I know you learned that early on from a mentor,

Becky: right? Yes, I did. I was about 16 or 17, I think, and I was walking with a campus ministry leader who took me for a walk and she said, you know, Becky, you have a sensitive spirit, and that’s a gift from God because it allows you to hear the voice of God really well.

But with your sensitive spirit comes the temptation to get offended and if you get offended easily. Excuse me. She said you’re gonna, that’s gonna hinder your ministry later in life. Mm-hmm. And so I really had to bring that to the Lord and say, Lord, help me not to take offense. And that’s a prayer I still pray, Kelly.

Yeah. I mean, there are innumerable opportunities to become offended over this, that, or the other thing. Right. But most of it doesn’t even matter in 20 years. So, you know, focus on the. Good in people. Focus on what’s right and good offer God your gratitude, and don’t [00:38:00] get caught up in becoming offended and hurt feelings and all this kind of stuff.

Kelly: Hmm. That’s so good. I, it always reminds me of this story of John the Baptist, when his disciples came to him and said. You know, something like, Hey, that Jesus guy, they’re baptizing more people. People are going to them and not to us. And John was like, okay, that’s not where we’re, that’s not what we’re doing here in this ministry.

Yes. You know? Yes, we’re exaulting Jesus. We’re not out for ourselves. We’re not creating a kingdom of us. We’re creating a kingdom for the Lord.

Becky: Yeah, absolutely. And if we’re gonna have those deeply connected relationships, we really have to ask the Lord to help us not to become offended easily. Mm-hmm. In fact, one Corinthians 13, one version of it says, you know, love does not get offended easily.

And so when we’re really loving other people well, we’re willing to let go of minor inconveniences and [00:39:00] annoyances because we love people. Mm.

Kelly: Mm-hmm. Yes. That’s so good. I promise I’ll let you go in just a second. Becky, do you have one more thought about how to forgive someone who has hurt you?

Becky: Yes. I think first of all, agree with God. I will forgive this person. State it out loud, God, I forgive this person. Second of all, pray that the person is blessed, that I have learned this in my own life. Whenever people have really, really hurt me or hurt my husband or my kids, if, if I hold on to anger.

That destroys my soul. It actually has no bearing on them because they could care less if I’m still angry at them. Instead, I, I choose to forgive. I say, Lord, I’m gonna forgive them. I’m gonna let it go. And then I pray blessing for them. I pray that their marriages are blessed. I pray that they’re financially blessed.

I pray that God pours out his love on them. I pray that they feel safe and [00:40:00] secure in God’s love, and that frees me from hanging on to hurt.

Kelly: That is so beautiful. Thank you for pouring out your wisdom. Tell our listeners how they can get in touch with you and how they can get this wonderful book.

Becky: So I would love your listeners to get in touch with me at my website, becky harling.com. I have a lot of free resources right now up there, and I send out a Monday morning devotional every Monday morning.

It lands in your inbox. You can sign up for that. And it’s just a lot of. Free stuff there. You can follow things that I’m doing, and then you can get the book anywhere. Christian books are sold. You can get it on Amazon. They’ll deliver it to you probably tomorrow.

Kelly: You know Becky, I got it on Kindle, but your book is one of those books that I have to have in person in my hand because it’s so full of wisdom.

Becky: Thank you, Kelly.

Kelly: Thank you for the gift of your time. God bless you.

If you were encouraged in your faith today, it’d be great if you’d help get the word out by [00:41:00] subscribing, sharing with a friend, or leaving a review. I’d love to hear from you. You can reach out through my website, kelly hall.org and pick up some free resources while you’re there. Thanks for listening to the Unshakable Hope podcast.